I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Randomize
