I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
