More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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