I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
