I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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