I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Dick very happy bro
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
