Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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