How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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