guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
