Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize