guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Randomize
