I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
