and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
BRING THE BAGELS
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
