i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
