You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
