if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
