I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
