You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Randomize
