Whod you bang
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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