Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
