When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Welp...herpes.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
