Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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