I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Randomize
