she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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