I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
