it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
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