Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
