my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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