...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
