Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
