There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
