Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize