I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
