just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
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