Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Randomize
