I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Is it penis luge time yet?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
