I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
