it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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