It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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