Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
