So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Randomize
