I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize