pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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