Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
