walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize
