took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
