I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
