I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
And then the night went full on bisexual.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Randomize
