is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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