Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
