So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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