cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
