News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
