My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
