just survived the first fart of the relationship.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
