and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I puked a lego.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
