i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
