This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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