when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize