the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
