She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
