my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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