I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
