He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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