Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
The beers last night were like the tears from god
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
