I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize