Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
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