dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Randomize
