I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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